these days

I have been wanting to sing a song at some open mic night and my friend Christina has this friend Iben who works at this little Cafe/Bar in Copenhagen. Back in March, Iben said I should come and sing, but it took until September for me to actually make it! I wasn't sure how it would be, because it was a jazz club, but Iben told me that singer/songwriter stuff would be ok.
So we showed up around 9pm a couple of weeks ago. I thought we would just go and check it out, before I walked up with my guitar. All the singers were very show-tunes-cabaretesque! I felt really out of place. I had prepare These Days by Nico and felt like there was no way I could sing it. I would have been boo-ed off the stage (even though there was no stage and everyone who came in the door kind of ran into the singer standing by the piano). There was no mic for my guitar and no mic stand, so I couldn't even go hands free! Needless to say, I wasn't brave enough to perform that night and now I am on the look out again for a place to sing some songs.
I don't know this part of me that wants to put on a show. I think deep down I always wanted to be a musician, but realized in my mid-twenties I wasn't poetic enough to write the songs I wanted to be singing. So I keep playing other peoples' songs and enjoy doing that, even if it is just for me. But lately, since Amanda is back sharing my apartment with me, I have been singing her to sleep with some melodies and it has been wonderful to play and sing every day for an appreciative audience. 
Maybe I will start and internet open mic, where I just post videos of me playing and you drink tea at home while you listen. Enjoy this one!

Loving all this summer sun.



Yesterday I went to the beach TWICE. I went in the morning by myself and then rode bikes back their later with Malene and Shu-Mei. I think I could swim in the sea and lay on the beach all day long.

cultivate a culture of reciprocity.

I just read this article about a communal style of living. It was written by a woman who lives in a neighborhood without fences with her friends. They share a garden, a lawnmower, a bbq and take care of each other like family. I love the idea of living like that. Maybe that's why I love living at Guldagergaard.
I really want to live where I don't need as much money because we have a group of people willing to share and exchange services instead of trying to acquire more and more material belongings for the individual.
Here is the last paragraph of the article:
We don’t keep strict tabs on what or how many hours we share. Instead we cultivate a culture of reciprocity. We trust that what we give to the community will come back to us many times over. In Bowling Alone, his classic work on the decline of community in America, Robert Putnam writes: “Trustworthiness lubricates social life.” But you don’t have to live in a commune or a kampung to share with your neighbors. It can start with borrowing a cup of sugar or offer of a helping hand. All it takes is the decision to put more emphasis on building community than acquiring Stuff.

I'd love to establish a community like that. Although I am finally living in one place, I still lead a transient life because every month new people are coming to live with me. I never have a set group of friends and sometimes I feel like I am constantly stuck in those "getting to know you" conversations. I like it when people stay for a few months and we can stop talking about the basics.



Mark just came out with a new album and this song pretty much explains the transient life and the quest for community.  I feel the same way. "I still dream of the simple life, boy meets girl and makes her his wife, but love don't exist when you live like this, that much I know, yes I know, all these roads will still be wrong but I still drive them all night long"

Instead of Abracadabra

"make no small plans; they have no magic to stir men's souls" --SWK

I'm all about the magic. Lately I've been thinking big. I watched this Ted Talk (posted below) last month which asked the question, "What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?"


It made me think about why I hold back in my life. Why don't I try to run a marathon? Why don't I start my own studio? What's keeping down my potential?

Sometimes it seems easier to make a million small plans (things I may not necessarily want to do) then attempt to make some magic (what I really want).

So for now I'm motivated to make some major plans! You better be ready for some Abracadabra!

just trying to learn how to say the danish Y.

To resolve your Love.

Lately I've been thinking about Pure Love and how to make that my daily motive when working with people. Most of the time our motives behind communication can be so selfish, but I hope to become more and more motivated by a true love for every individual I come in contact with.

I read this quote about Love the other day and can't stop thinking about how great Love is:

"Love as depicted in the mass media is not what this level is about. What the world generally refers to as love is an intense emotional condition, combining physical attraction, possessiveness, control, addiction, eroticism, and novelty. It’s usually fragile and fluctuating, waxing and waning with varying conditions. When frustrated, this emotion often reveals an underlying anger and dependency that it had masked. That love can turn to hate is a common perception, but here, an addictive sentimentality is likely what’s being spoken about, rather than Love; there probably never was actual love in such a relationship, for Hate stems from Pride, not Love.

[Pure Love] is unconditional, unchanging, and permanent. It doesn’t fluctuate—its source isn’t dependent on external factors. Loving is a state of being. It’s a forgiving, nurturing, and supportive way of relating to the world. Love isn’t intellectual and doesn’t proceed from the mind; Love emanates from the heart. It has the capacity to lift others and accomplish great feats because of its purity of motive."

-David R. Hawkins Power vs. Force: The Hidden Determinants of Human Behavior

 

space helmetzzz

Here I am, back in Denmark. I am working at Guldagergaard again as the studio technician. It is so great to be back. Sometimes I can't imagine living anywhere besides Europe. I really love it here.
I am planning to do a little showcase of work in a window space in Copenhagen run by my friend Christin Johansson. I'll post pictures when its up. Right now I've just been researching images for ideas and stumbled upon these photos of stewardesses. They would wear these helmets to keep their hair from getting ruined while they walked out to the plane.
I srsly love these photos!!

Native American wisdom

A Woman’s highest calling is to lead a Man to his soul, so as to unite him with Source;
Her lowest calling is to seduce, separating Man from soul and leave him aimlessly wandering.

A Man’s highest calling is to protect Woman, so she is free to walk the earth unharmed.
Man’s lowest calling is to ambush and force his way into the life of a Woman.

  - Cherokee

Moonrise Kingdom

I really loved the new Wes Anderson film. As I walked out at the end, I really wanted to walk right back in and watch it again. Maybe it's my favorite because it is about children and their innocence and sincerity.  Plus every detail is amazing. I couldn't look at the screen long enough. They also did a marvelous job on the soundtrack. From a boy's choir to Hank Williams--I loved every second!
This week I just want to listen to Hank Williams and cry right along with him.

French Films-oh la la

they are some of my favorite all time. check out this list of really good ones:
1. Blame it on Fidel (my favorite movie)
2. Moliere
3. Seraphine
4. My Night at Maud's
5. The Diving Bell and The Butterfly
6. Who Are You, Polly Maggoo?
7. Persepolis
8. Coco Before Chanel
9. La Vie En Rose
10. Heartbreaker
11. I Do: How to Get Married and Stay Single
12. The Science of Sleep
13. Paris, Je T'aime

Dear Sally,

I've been watching a lot of Felicity lately and just wish I had a cassette tape that I could talk to. I'd love to receive letters/tapes back from Sally giving me concise, didactic advice as to what I should do in my confusing life situation.

I'm having extreme inner turmoil about what I should do with my life. I hate not knowing. School was so good for me, with deadlines and goals. I feel really sad that this is how life is...endless monetary monotony. I don't feel motivated to do anything lately. I want to quit art and feel like I am a life failure. I still want to create. I love creating, but I can't help thinking that I wasted a lot of time and money on an art degree (shhhhh don't tell my brother-in-law I said that). When Felicity changed her major from Pre-med to Art I was just screaming at the screen, "DON'T DO IT!!! GET A MEDICINE DEGREE!! SUCH A BAD BAD DECISION! YOu ARE GONNA REGRET IT!!"

Lately, every day, I wish I had studied something else. I wish I had chosen a career. I am 30 years old working at an after-school program at the YMCA. The kids who live in the ghetto and have dead-beat parents ask me why I as a 30-year old work for minimum wage. How can I tell them that education is important? Their parents probably make a lot more money than me and never went to school. I have my masters and it hasn't done me any good. I feel embarrassed to say that I have a masters degree and now work at the job I had when I was a sophomore in highschool. I wish I had a career. But really I don't want a career at all and that's the problem. I've never wanted one. I never imagined having to have one. Unfortunately I can't go on much longer without one. Bills pile up, my dreams are not getting fulfilled (although I'm having trouble knowing what I really want from life anymore) and I am struggling by on a measly hourly wage. It's really no way to live (that's what I'm calling this).

 So I feel like I have some decisions to make and here are things I consider in this process:

1. What do I really want from my life? Besides having a family, what are some goals and desires I have? Some friends were talking about a bucket list and I realized I don't have one and have never thought of making one. I wrote down two things I want to do: 1-learn another language, 2-Live abroad for a while.

2. I'm so confused about what I should do in the next year. I have a semi-job-offer to be a program coordinator at the Danish residency, where I was in 2010. They would want me to work in January or February for a year...maybe more. I feel like I really want to do that. My parents are so supportive. It would be the best job for me, if I really wanted to continue down this career path, but do I want to do that? I just don't know. Every day I wish I was close to my nieces and nephews. I want kids in my life and those are the closest I come to my own. But I also know I have to live my own life and not just hang around my siblings and their families.

3. When I think of my own life this is what I envision: I want to live a life full of recycling, home-made soap, bees, gardening, bicycling and sewing. I want a small house, made from a shipping container, with a lot of land with a garden and fruit trees. I want to freeze and can fresh food all summer. I want to make salves and soaps. I want to have fresh eggs from chickens. Where are all the guys that want these things too? I'm really sick of clean-cut cut-outs.

4. If I'm not going to pursue art any longer, what career will I choose? I just got another job as a seamstress. I really like to sew. How do I make a living at this though? I'm also making another wedding dress this year, a really simple one for a friend.

So Sally, I'm just too confused because I have too many options. I cut this short because my heart and head hurt as I try to figure things out. Please let me know what you think. Talk back soon.

I love the moon.

don't believe what they say

just four songs that I can't stop listeningto/feeling these days.

See--I've been working hard

Here's some photos from the WCC. I glazed those HIP(hop) Astronaut mugs and they are currently in the 2011 Cup Show exhibition in the Krikorian Gallery. Progress!

past, present, future

Life is so interesting. I guess I grew up thinking my life would be a certain way, but it hasn't really turned out the way I thought. Every day I feel like I'm trying to make a decision between living life day by day (paycheck to paycheck) or settling down and saving money (buying a house, building a community, etc etc). The latter is what I always figured I'd be doing, but the former is what has been happening.

Tonight, listening to this song, I just felt like there was no point in settling down, because life is made up of living and I might as well live as much as I can while I can. I have the rest of my life to settle. I'm trying to make myself believe that "what is, is right" and hoping to convince my previous misconceptions that today is today and tomorrow tomorrow. There's no need to rush or delay. I just don't want my life to be full of a bunch of monotonous yesterdays.

Disclaimer: I never read the book

Tonight I went with Peter to see The Help. I really liked it. I loved the various stories portrayed by all the different characters. It showed how every story has different viewpoints and the movie had an all-over-general good feeling about it. Plus it related to my favorite movie, Blame It On Fidel, in a similar beginning-of-a-revolution sort of way. In Blame It On Fidel, the wife is meeting secretly with many women and collecting their stories to help with the women's rights movement in the 70s. In The Help the main character meets with a group of African American maids secretly in the 60s to write their stories about major Civil Rights issues. I was wondering if something like this had actually happened to inspire the novelist, so I turned to the #1 source of truth on literature, Wikipedia.
I found a paragraph criticizing the movie/book because it wasn't historical enough, implied that black men were absent from the house/beat their wives and supposedly gave a bunch of other stereotypes. I was shocked, because I didn't feel that at all. It wasn't a heavy story like others I have watched on the same theme (did they want to see a bunch of horrible lynchings and hangings?) but I didn't feel like that was the purpose of the movie AT ALL. Also I was totally in love with the black waiter and reverend and didn't feel like the movie portrayed black men in a bad light either. The one husband was bad, but there are bad husbands of every race and creed.
Basically I felt sad that this critic looked way past the mark. It was a great novel/movie and that's what it was. The author wasn't writing a history book or a documentary. I laughed. I cried. I wanted to hug all those wonderful women. What else did we expect?
These realizations reaffirmed once again that I want to choose to see the good in everything. I'm always trying to be positive and uplifting because that's what makes me happy. I even wrote a poem about it right now. Here goes:

If you want to play the victim
there's injustice everywhere.
If you want to play the martyr
there are crosses you can bear.
you can whine
self-indulge
and complain all your days
Me, I choose to see the world
through a rose colored haze...
seems I'm the only one I can change.

dreamsssss

During the past two weeks I applied for three different professor jobs. One at a community college in a Chicago suburb, one at a small university in Brownsville, Texas (the southmost college, on the border of Mexico) and one at a women's college in Nevada, Missouri. And I have 4 more applications to send off this next week!
I would really love to be a part of a smaller university setting where I can really come to know the students and help them develop their artwork and thinking. I guess we'll see what happens.
Plan B? I applied to teach English in Korea. So if by Spring time I don't hear anything from these jobs, I'll be on the next plan to South Korea.

name (sake) game

This story must be told.
Last week, I was walking with some friends from the Charles River back to where our cars were parked by the church. My one friend is very very outgoing and as we passed this girl (who was coming from the church) she stopped her and asked her what her name was. The woman said her name was Chelee and my friend continued to ask her how she might know her...they were trying to make some connection naming universities they had attended, etc etc and finally decided that they must have just seen each other at church. Chelee said she went to SUU and was from Delta.
That caught my ear. I joined in the convo and told her that my mom was from Delta! I quickly threw out the names of my aunts and uncles and cousins who all still live in Delta and found out she was in the same ward as my uncle Clayton! So I asked her last name, wondering if my mom would know her family. She said it is Rawlinson.
I can't believe it---I tell her that I am named after Rachel Rawlinson!!
She tells me that her name is actually Rachel as well (but she goes by Chelee) and that she is named after Rachel Rawlinson Roper!
I know its the same person because Rachel Rawlinson Roper was my great grandmother! (her great aunt!) We are named after the same person!?!?!?! I wonder how often it happens that you are able to meet someone, 3,000 miles away from your respective homes, by the Charles River in Boston, who is named after the exact same person. I'm feeling like it doesn't happen that often. Maybe once in a lifetime? Gotta hunch that our wonderful namesake is looking out for us. thanks great-grandma.

don't stop imagining. the day that you do is the day that you die.

The Spirit of the Beehive

What an exquisite film.




There is a slow methodical feel to the entire movie even when it is infused with a rush of the unknown. The wardrobe is amazing (the little girls so cute, the mother's hair so wonderful) and I love a Spanish zeta. so very very beautiful and quite spooky (probably my limit of scary). Perfect for this time of year.